Musings on life.

oh my goodness it's happening

2011-02-26T21:01:00.000-08:00

Just as a referencing point: I came on here to blow off some stem and found this, a post I had written and intended to post a month ago. Some absolutely insane, could be catastrophic things have happened in the last DAY so Im interested in what one month ago me had to say. Then depending on how much energy it took dealing with that me, I may blow of said steam. Or instead i'll get some much needed rest. Either way is fine with me.

So it's exactly one month to the day when I will be leaving for Austin and it hasn't quite...sunk in. I am leaving NJ, my friends, family, birth state, growth state, a state I love proudly despite and for it's faults. New Jersey is crowded, loud, dirty (in certain parts moreso than others) and FAST. Everything should have been done 5 minutes ago, started and/or finished 5 minutes ago and patience is a dying past time for the weak. Yet, the people here are colorful, multi-talented, thoughtful and strong. Opinions are big and only changed after an animated "discussion". There are plenty of people who care for the animals, less fortunate and the environment; and those would could give a rats ass if it won't get them more money or to work earlier with less of a hassle. Everyone seems to either go along with the rip tide or fight heartily upstream against all odds and which of those we NJians take on varies from day to day. Truly, living in New Jersey is a trip!

But OH, the expense of living here! I just can't seem to understand why there are so many of us choosing to be in a place that is valued on it's distance from the ever so wonderful New York City. I haven't been to the city in months because, oh yea, it's too expensive! Why then, would I choose to need two jobs just to have enough to get by, and scrape along for the opportunity to do a little theatre and performance along the way? It just doesn't make any sense...so I leave. I leave the hustle bustle, the loud and boisterous lifestyle for one of the southern exposure. I leave my friends and family, my way of life - quite frankly the only one I truly "know" for that of an adventure to an un-known place. A place without family, friends, known limitations or even a visit!

When people ask me "Why Austin?", I usually say "Why not?". I've got plenty of reasons, the cost of living, change of scenery, the MUSIC scene and the chance to start anew but the main reason comes from deep within my gut so as that can't be explained lightly, the short answer can suffice. Before I began working for Tom, I had strange and random idea that he may need help in his office. I had little office experience and even less experience with lawyers and billing procedures, but I asked and lo and behold, a year and a half later, I have learned a lot. Not just about the finances of a law office or how strange lawyers can be but of my own dedication towards a greater goal that I didn't really care about. Not that I don't care for Tom or the people there, but how does it help ME if things run more smoothly or get done faster? Yet, when I slacked off I felt guilty and sad and finally realized it was because I wasn't doing my best. MY PERSONAL BEST which could not have been called into question when I was deling with my own shit because I either didn't want to admit I was being lazy or felt I was doing the best I could and therefor allowed myself some peace of mind about my work ethic. All of that came from a decision I made out of gut feeling. How much more can I get from re-locating my life to new place my heart told me was the right thing to do?

I am nervous. Don't get me wrong, I know I will do great. I am personable and witty, able to ebb and flow through all kinds of situations. I wear my heart on my sleeve and do so out of choice; I can make people understand what I and they need to see and all that will help me to meet new people and actually improve the state of my new State. However, the idea of this new fresh and clean slate has me feeling like I better do it right! I believe in myself and don't at equal parts. I know I have talent, am friendly and even beautiful but I have also let myself down so many times I wonder if I really have it in myself to be as strong and dedicated as I need to be. It's a sick game I play with myself where I think of all the things I could be doing and believe it is possible and then don't actually try and get those things my heart desires. Maybe I am truly turning over new leaf, I hope so, it's just hard to trust what you know to have been true. I want so badly to be the best MALLORY I can be. I no longer judge myself based on what I think I should be like, or what other people think I should be like or what other people are like. I am trying hard as hell to stop judging myself all together.

It's a new dawn, It's a new day, It's a new life...for me. And I'm feeling good.

2011-01-12T13:46:00.000-08:00

Below I've included the lyrics to one of my favorite songs of all time. It's one of those songs that you know, just makes me smile each and every time I hear it. I don't really consider any other version besides Nina Simone because she is just so fantastic and gorgeous to listen to. I chose the lyrics as a heading for this post because it's now officially the "new year" and I AM feeling good. For the first time in, I don't know, five years or so, I am happy with the "plan" I have set for 2011. I am not thinking too far beyond this year, and that is something I am working on - "the 5 year plan" and all that, but for now, I am actually proud of myself. I feel healthy, strong, intelligent, calm and beautiful from the inside out. I am in love, and it is not perfect but it is real and true. More importantly than my love for my dear sweetheart however, is my self-love and I am now, possibly for the first time, truly and completely in love with myself. I have finally learned how to put my needs first and not to think of that as a selfish or negative thing. Obviously, i'm going to keep learning how to refine and define that scenario, but it's here and it's not going anywhere.

This morning at the gym (I was there at quarter to 8, which for anyone who knows me is WAY early) about how I didn't have to set my intentions for any new years resolutions this year because before the year even began, I was doing them! All the resolutions I've been setting for, I don't know, five years now - are taking place and I didn't have to think about it because there were a clear part of my agenda before the new year began. There are three ("resolutions") that have been taunting me year after year; 1. Work out. 2. Get back into acting/singing/art and 3. Take vitamins. The first of these, working out, I addressed one month ago when I joined a gym. I did it because I was so sad and frustrated with my weight/body image. I eat pretty healthy, don't go to excess and live my life with the modo "Everything in moderation, including moderation." I knew deeply that until I got to be more physically active, nothing was going to change. There is also another positive side to working out for me because I struggle with body pain that ebbs and flows with the weather. Something inside me was telling me that if I swam consistently, it would not only help with the pain but the healthy body issue as well. It's like when I couldn't get the idea of roller-blades out of my head until I bought a pair and proceeded to blade until the wheels basically fell off. So I did it, and I am LOVING it. I do have drag my ass out of bed and go work out, but it's worth it and i'm hoping eventually it will become easier to gather the motivation. The second one of these is definitely the MOST important, in so far as - If I am not creating, I AM NOT LIVING. (As Fanny Bryce says "I live on stage.") I need to be on stage to fulfill my heart of hearts and it's been the most difficult battle I could have ever imagined facing because while it was breaking me to NOT be on the scene, I just couldn't face it. In comes Peter Colletto, my HS drama teacher who once again, for the third time, changed my life by getting me involved in something and re-igniting a fire inside of me that only being on stage can do. After Peter had me come do a show with him, this past year, a co-worker who had seen the show gave me some clippings of local auditions. As much as I didn't want to go on them because I am "busy with the move", I decided why not and went anyway. One of them was a bust, as they sometimes are, but I got the second one and it pays! Officially making me, a "working actress". That show goes up January 21st and I would be lying if I said that I am totally and completely looking forward to to it, only because of the rehearsal hours and what not, but ultimately it is feeding me as it should. The last Resolution I made for myself is not so much a choice at this point: Vitamins. I got a call from the doctor this week telling me that once again, my Vitamin D count is super LOW - 17 was the number if that means anything to you, and if I don't take my supplements I am at a higher risk of cancer - YIKES! So, scary as that is, it's turned me into a vita-nazi and I am all over that like Joey from Blossom - WOAH!

I've been battling sickness (had two stomach viruses in one week), depression (it comes and goes) and soul starvation (due to the afore mentioned lack of complete self-love and need for artistic expression) for years now; YEARS, and it's time to stop all that madness and move on to a healthier and happier existence. I'm sure as love that it's going to be a hard, sometimes up-hill battle but I feel ready and as prepared as I can be to face it all.

So here you go - lyrics to one of my all time favorite songs. Do yourself a favor though, watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8tuTSi6Sck
Cause that's the thing about singing, it's better when sung.

Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom on a tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me

And I'm feeling good

First Post

2010-12-23T11:14:00.000-08:00

It's the end of the year, with Christmas just days away and the new year on the horizon, it's time to reflect. This past year has been...tough, to put it mildly. I have worked more than my fair share (and I wonder how many people on un-employment make as much as I do at 55 hours a week) and had more heartache than joy, but it's lead me to a place where I no longer feel complacent in ANY way shape or form to "let life happen to me". I have more or less been in the passenger seat for a long time now, perhaps forever and it's taken this hardship I've been enduring to get to this driven, and hopeful place I am reaching.

As many of you know I am planning a move out to Austin, TX in March. As many of you also know, I have been planning a move ever since graduation from Ramapo, almost 5 years ago now. So there is this little devil sitting on my shoulder, taunting me saying "you can't do it, you won't do it, you've said it before I don't believe it." and the old me would have said "NO, you're wrong!" all the while actually believing it. The new me is saying "You're right, but I will prove it to you and to myself." The devil is in the details, and that is totally stressing me out because I don't have everything worked out, but I am doing what I can, and I will go if I have to friggen hitchhike the whole way. Seriously, that is a worst case scenario. Thing is, I don't know what it is about Austin that is calling to me - besides the cheaper rent and the massive amount of music opportunities - but it is, calling to me. I can't and I won't ignore it. If I am wrong, I will be wrong with conviction. If I am right, I'll be in one of the coolest and most beautiful places in the USA! Seriously, Austin is happening.

Lastly, I am sad to say that I have been experiencing hair loss for about 5 or 6 years now and it is so distressing and embarrassing. For a Leo such as myself to have problems with her mane is a serious blow to the pride - No pun intended. At first I thought it was because of my eating habits - at the time that it started, I was an un-diagnosed anorexic. That does make sense, and maybe it is how it began, but I am much healthier now. I eat right, exercise, and drink tons of water so why isn't it growing back thing and strong again?, I ask...let me take you back to about about 6 months ago; I had an accident at work and sprained my wrist very badly. I went to the doctor and they did all sorts of blood work. They confirmed what I already knew, that I have Fibromyalgia, but as there is no way to "test" or really treat Fibro, that diagnosis means nothing to me. I've been living with this pain for the better part life and I'm not really even sure it IS Fibro, or something yet to be found. What they did discover for sure, is that I am severely Vitamin D deficient. This is really bad news considering my grandmother had osteoporosis and this can be one of the main causes of the affliction. What really sucks is that I can't be bothered to remember to take my Vitamin daily. I have always sucked at taking pills (even anti-biotics) but ever since I got on Ritalin, I have had no problem remembering to take THAT, so it stands to reason I am just lazy about it. Then today I googled "Can a Vitamin D Deficiency cause hair loss?", and when it came up as a resounding YES, the first thing I did was pop a D like it was candy. So my vanity was stronger than my sloth. This is sad. This is exactly what I am working towards changing in the next year of my life.

My desire to be healthy mind, body and spirit is about to rise about everything else I can imagine. This, in no way means I plan on being "selfish" - a "me me me" attitude has never been my way. Instead, the attitude I am creating is one that allows me to put my own self preservation and growth at the very top of my list, right after breathing, eating, sleeping, H20, you know...the essentials.