Ask anyone who was alive and old enough to understand when JFK was assassinated where they were, what they were doing and how they felt and they will be able to remember as if it were yesterday. September 11th is the modern version; everyone has a story of where they were when they found out regardless if they lived anywhere near the tragedies or lost loved ones. It's understandable, the allegiance we pledged for 12+ years of school were never more true, "one nation" we were. I hesitate to even pen my thoughts on how the tragic events that day have changed the world for fear my causing more pain for those who are still broken with loss. However, I feel compelled to express my own feelings of pain for the many souls we as a nation have terrified in the 14 years since the tragedies.
Terrorism was the word most often used to describe the motivation behind the hijacked planes, the massive undertaking that led up to 9/11/01. We were targeted for our wealth, world power and presence in the middle east. Innocent and brave people were lost in a battle they hadn't signed up for, on our own soil. We all agreed war like retaliation was necessary as well as more intensive monitoring of communications via telephone, email or otherwise. Most agreed willingly to sacrifice their own freedom with the mantra "if you've nothing to hide, you've nothing to fear." Yet in reality, what that sacrifice has brought is unrestricted spending and a "big brother" so powerful he answers to no one. So now US military presence touches almost every nation, and millions of people are fearful for their lives, of the drones and frightening men with guns in their back yards. We are creating nations full of people who view us as the terrorists. They can't understand why the aid we provide has to come with the strings attached of soldiers on the ground. Could you? Imagine for a moment how it would feel to have a foreign presence at your Saturday farmers market, at the movie theater or at church. Even if you could accept they were here to help it would still feel frightening, no?
Fear is a by product of the help we offer and fear is synonymous with terror. So many nations have expressed their desire to be rid of our presence and these voices are being silenced. The articles have been written but labeled un American and buried under a sea of Patriotism. I can understand why, I find it hard to be a proud American after reading the countless tales of woe from overseas. Don't get me wrong, I am glad to live here. I am grateful for the freedoms being American affords me but understanding the cost makes me deeply heartsick.
My last point of contention on America, post 9/11 is the lack of empathy we show our own people. The fact that 16% of Americans live below the poverty line and we spend far more money keeping terror at bay, than our own citizens is mind boggling. How can we truly believe that we are acting out of generosity when we refuse to help our own people stand on their own feet, feed their children or properly educate the future of this country? "In 2011, child poverty reached record high levels, with 16.7 million children living in food insecure households, about 35% more than 2007 levels.[18] A 2013 UNICEF report ranked the U.S. as having the second highest relative child poverty rates in the developed world.[19]" (Wikipedia) That is absurd! Read it again, and ask yourself if we can continue to let the numbers grow, as they have since the early 90's.
I can't help but fear that even writing these words and distributing them might put a
target on my back. I read the news, watch
documentaries, I know that being American doesn't protect me from being legally
detained and questioned to the point of torture. I am afraid, but my
voice is my power and I will use it, despite my fears. I urge you to seek the truth on this day of remembrance, to form your own opinions based on facts and speak your truth even when you feel it may not be heard. I remember how I felt on that tragic day as if it were yesterday. As such, I mean not to belittle the horror we went through, rather to keep my eyes open to what choices I must make to invest in the future of this bright country in honor of those who lost their lives that day, and the loved ones they left behind. Remember the words you said every day for your formative years and ask yourself if you believe them to be true and if the answer is no, what you can do to change that.
"I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America and to
the Republic for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty
and justice for all."
Friday, September 11, 2015
Sunday, August 9, 2015
Birthday self love
I'm taking a break from reading and replying to all the facebook well wishes I've received from family and friends from all over the world, who come from equally expansive experiences of my 33 years of life. It's always such a trip to read all the love and well wishes, to think that it was important to all these people to take even just a moment out of their life to think of me, and send their precious intent. I always mean to respond to each one personally and I have failed each year but I have good feelings about this year. Being that it is my birthday, however, I will give myself whatever time limit feels right in my response time, if even just for today!
Three weeks ago, I decided to give myself three gifts for my 33rd birthday. One of these gifts was to keep my facebook zone outs to no more than three times a day. (Sensing a theme here? I have always loved the number three...) I began to realize that I was spending more time looking at random crap, and yes, keeping up with friends and family, but mostly zoning out hard and for more time than I felt good about. Restricting my facebok time was a lot harder than I thought it would be! I found myself instinctively clicking on the icon without even thinking about it, so I removed the icon from my home screen. That helped but there were still lots of times throughout the day when I felt the desire to scroll through everyone's recipes, cats, kids and "lives". More than once, I allowed my inability to think of something else to do, to excuse my broken promise, but it became blindingly clear that whatever I was getting from peering into the windows of everyones lives wasn't feeding me what I was seeking. If I really was trying to "keep in touch" as I told myself, a phone call, text, letter or message would be a much better venue for relational growth. In those times that I did follow my rule of three, I found myself doing more of some of my favorite things like reading and crafting and actually conversing personally with my heart family. I saw it as both a gift, and an experiment and I think that it was succesfull in both capasities as it was made abundently clear it was was both benefitial and necceary. I don't think I will try to limit myself to three visits a day, but rather be mindful about how much time I am giving and what I am getting in return on that investiment. I don't know if there will ever come a day when I don't check facebook at all, but I know I can't turn back from the awakenening this gift has provided.
Another gift I gave myself was to refrain from alcohol for the three weeks leading up to my birthday party. The reasons for this break were both physical and emotional. Physically, I knew that I would be less puffy and bloated, which would make for better photos from the birthday party and as I planned on donning a mermaid tail and shell bikini, that made it an easy choice of cost v. benefit! Emotionally speaking, I have had a love hate relationship with booze from day one. I never had any problem with inhibitions, the drama queen that I am, but I have always loved spending time with friends and as an adult, it's often over a beer or three. I have terrible impulse control however, so discovering my limits proved much harder than I ever anticipated. Thankfully, growing older comes with more than just aches and pains but sharper intuition and instincts as well. Understanding and respecting my needs has become much easier in my thirties and for that, I don't have any desire whatsoever to go back in time, relive my glory days or lament on wasted youth. I am equally grateful for all the wonderful experiences I was blessed with my twenties as the mistakes and regret that peppered those treasured memories. For the most part, future Mallory now has the power to tell happy party girl Mallory that limits are there to keep hangover Mallory from cursing all three of us! If I never wake up again thinking "Why did I do that to myself?" I will not miss out on any experiences or lose out on anything I wouldn't otherwise have had the opportunity to do, but rather gain a special brand of self esteem that only restraint can provide.
My "three weeks of sobriety" went swimmingly well. About a week and half in, I realized that I was naturally spending more time creating things, making and crossing of to do lists, and connecting with friends, three of my favorite activities! I don't often "go out drinking" so I didn't thinking that three weeks off would give me a great deal of clarity, but what I came to realize was that even one or two glasses of wine or beer to "wind down" at dinner was a little too effective. Perhaps I was attaining the relaxation I sought, but at the steep cost of losing precious motivation. That was a particularly startling revelation for me as I consider motivation a priceless gift from within and cherish it's presence and role in my life. My booze break turned out to be one of the better gifts I have ever given or received as are most gifts that keep on giving. I can't begin to calculate the time, health or self love that this gift can potentially provide but I am sure it is astronomical. I did drink at the party last night and it was fun and it didn't feel wrong but I was also more acutely aware of my limitations, allowing me to be fully present to enjoy the company of those around me and enjoy feeling tipsy without the desire to take it further. It is nice how "restricting" my facebook time and drinking tied together quite nicely as they both rewarded me with gifts far beyond what either of them provides. They both also provided me with the time and motivation to do more of the kinds of things that feed my heart and give me all kinds of positive reinforcement. I went into the facebook experiment thinking that if I liked the way I felt after three weeks, I'd keep it up and if not, I could go back to mindlessly scrolling, which gave me they security blanket I needed to commit. I am so thankful for listening to my intuition and actually following through. 33 is sure to be a better year for the time and mindfulness that each of these gifts have the potential to provide, in these and countless other applications. What these gifts have provided ultimately is more hope for healthier and happier self than any previous birthday has ever inspired. This is the kind of thing I have always wanted for my birthday and this is the first year I really got it right.
The last gift was much more simple and easier to follow but equally important. It was actually the first of the three gifts to pop into my mind, as I was riding my bicycle exactly three weeks ago, today. I bike almost everywhere I go, to work, to parties, shows, for fun and for exercise. I love it and it feels so right for me, and has definitely made me more fit and healthy. When I first moved to Austin and begin bike commuting, my first Austin friend Victoria pointed out to me that statistically, if I were on my bike as much as I planned to be, I had more chances of being in an accident and therefor needed to wear a helmet. Simple enough, and I agreed so I bought a helmet and wore it without question, Then one day, I felt so safe and comfortable with my skills (and perhaps it was a really good hair day and I didn't want to ruin it) I stopped wearing my trusty helmet just like that, without much thought or concern. About a year went by sans helmet and I thought about it once or twice when I found myself riding in the rain, but never enough to get me back in the habit of wearing it. When out of the blue, I was hit with primal sense of urgency to begin wearing it again. I didn't know why I was so struck, but I did know that I should listen to my clever instincts without question. It's a no brainier, no pun intended, to protect the delicate and wonderful grey matter that makes me, me, and there is literally no drawbacks, save less bouncy hair. I very easily put wearing a helmet back into my personal habits and I must admit it not only makes me feel safer, but wearing it urges me to ride safer as well.
Three weeks ago, I decided to give myself three gifts for my 33rd birthday. One of these gifts was to keep my facebook zone outs to no more than three times a day. (Sensing a theme here? I have always loved the number three...) I began to realize that I was spending more time looking at random crap, and yes, keeping up with friends and family, but mostly zoning out hard and for more time than I felt good about. Restricting my facebok time was a lot harder than I thought it would be! I found myself instinctively clicking on the icon without even thinking about it, so I removed the icon from my home screen. That helped but there were still lots of times throughout the day when I felt the desire to scroll through everyone's recipes, cats, kids and "lives". More than once, I allowed my inability to think of something else to do, to excuse my broken promise, but it became blindingly clear that whatever I was getting from peering into the windows of everyones lives wasn't feeding me what I was seeking. If I really was trying to "keep in touch" as I told myself, a phone call, text, letter or message would be a much better venue for relational growth. In those times that I did follow my rule of three, I found myself doing more of some of my favorite things like reading and crafting and actually conversing personally with my heart family. I saw it as both a gift, and an experiment and I think that it was succesfull in both capasities as it was made abundently clear it was was both benefitial and necceary. I don't think I will try to limit myself to three visits a day, but rather be mindful about how much time I am giving and what I am getting in return on that investiment. I don't know if there will ever come a day when I don't check facebook at all, but I know I can't turn back from the awakenening this gift has provided.
Another gift I gave myself was to refrain from alcohol for the three weeks leading up to my birthday party. The reasons for this break were both physical and emotional. Physically, I knew that I would be less puffy and bloated, which would make for better photos from the birthday party and as I planned on donning a mermaid tail and shell bikini, that made it an easy choice of cost v. benefit! Emotionally speaking, I have had a love hate relationship with booze from day one. I never had any problem with inhibitions, the drama queen that I am, but I have always loved spending time with friends and as an adult, it's often over a beer or three. I have terrible impulse control however, so discovering my limits proved much harder than I ever anticipated. Thankfully, growing older comes with more than just aches and pains but sharper intuition and instincts as well. Understanding and respecting my needs has become much easier in my thirties and for that, I don't have any desire whatsoever to go back in time, relive my glory days or lament on wasted youth. I am equally grateful for all the wonderful experiences I was blessed with my twenties as the mistakes and regret that peppered those treasured memories. For the most part, future Mallory now has the power to tell happy party girl Mallory that limits are there to keep hangover Mallory from cursing all three of us! If I never wake up again thinking "Why did I do that to myself?" I will not miss out on any experiences or lose out on anything I wouldn't otherwise have had the opportunity to do, but rather gain a special brand of self esteem that only restraint can provide.
My "three weeks of sobriety" went swimmingly well. About a week and half in, I realized that I was naturally spending more time creating things, making and crossing of to do lists, and connecting with friends, three of my favorite activities! I don't often "go out drinking" so I didn't thinking that three weeks off would give me a great deal of clarity, but what I came to realize was that even one or two glasses of wine or beer to "wind down" at dinner was a little too effective. Perhaps I was attaining the relaxation I sought, but at the steep cost of losing precious motivation. That was a particularly startling revelation for me as I consider motivation a priceless gift from within and cherish it's presence and role in my life. My booze break turned out to be one of the better gifts I have ever given or received as are most gifts that keep on giving. I can't begin to calculate the time, health or self love that this gift can potentially provide but I am sure it is astronomical. I did drink at the party last night and it was fun and it didn't feel wrong but I was also more acutely aware of my limitations, allowing me to be fully present to enjoy the company of those around me and enjoy feeling tipsy without the desire to take it further. It is nice how "restricting" my facebook time and drinking tied together quite nicely as they both rewarded me with gifts far beyond what either of them provides. They both also provided me with the time and motivation to do more of the kinds of things that feed my heart and give me all kinds of positive reinforcement. I went into the facebook experiment thinking that if I liked the way I felt after three weeks, I'd keep it up and if not, I could go back to mindlessly scrolling, which gave me they security blanket I needed to commit. I am so thankful for listening to my intuition and actually following through. 33 is sure to be a better year for the time and mindfulness that each of these gifts have the potential to provide, in these and countless other applications. What these gifts have provided ultimately is more hope for healthier and happier self than any previous birthday has ever inspired. This is the kind of thing I have always wanted for my birthday and this is the first year I really got it right.
The last gift was much more simple and easier to follow but equally important. It was actually the first of the three gifts to pop into my mind, as I was riding my bicycle exactly three weeks ago, today. I bike almost everywhere I go, to work, to parties, shows, for fun and for exercise. I love it and it feels so right for me, and has definitely made me more fit and healthy. When I first moved to Austin and begin bike commuting, my first Austin friend Victoria pointed out to me that statistically, if I were on my bike as much as I planned to be, I had more chances of being in an accident and therefor needed to wear a helmet. Simple enough, and I agreed so I bought a helmet and wore it without question, Then one day, I felt so safe and comfortable with my skills (and perhaps it was a really good hair day and I didn't want to ruin it) I stopped wearing my trusty helmet just like that, without much thought or concern. About a year went by sans helmet and I thought about it once or twice when I found myself riding in the rain, but never enough to get me back in the habit of wearing it. When out of the blue, I was hit with primal sense of urgency to begin wearing it again. I didn't know why I was so struck, but I did know that I should listen to my clever instincts without question. It's a no brainier, no pun intended, to protect the delicate and wonderful grey matter that makes me, me, and there is literally no drawbacks, save less bouncy hair. I very easily put wearing a helmet back into my personal habits and I must admit it not only makes me feel safer, but wearing it urges me to ride safer as well.
I feel so excited today on the first day of my 33rd year to finally have the kind of self love I have always sought. I got some many good things from my three gifts but realizing that I really do love myself enough to sacrifice what I think I might want, for what I actually need is the best gift of all.
I am thankful for facebook on my birthday, for all the wonderful thoughts that are sent to me from people with whom I have shared experiences, memories, and love. It's impossible to ignore how valued I am, how loved by the sheer number of happy wishes given to me. I was particularly struck this year by how similarly my siblings described me in their posts. My brother described me as his "crazy live live to the fullest amazing sister" and my sister called me "amazing and full of life". Thinking on my two first friends, the people who helped shape me in to the person that I am, who have known the real me since day one describe me as life loving and amazing filled my heart with a deep calming love and made my eyes shine with un-shed tears of joy. I like to consider myself as someone with those qualities, but more often than not, I question it's sincerity, thinking of myself as having a really great act, but a dark heart. It is something I have sadly allowed to become ingrained in me, a self doubt clouding my happiness at the most inconvenient times. I have been aware of it's unhelpful presence for some time now, though and have begun to thoughtfully rewrite my inner dialogue to one that better matches who I really do believe I am, even through the lies and doubts. Hearing that kind of affirmation from those two people who are more important to me than they know is better than any "thing" that I could or have ever received as a birthday gift. It is the cherry on top of what has been the most beautiful and inspiring birthday of my life. I have been looking forward to 33 for a while, knowing on some abstract plane that I would be better today than I was yesterday, I don't always give in to that kind of hope for fear it will let me down but I've held steadfast to this one, feeding it with positive action and focused intent. I would like to give credit to my best friend, partner, and love for always believing that I was the life loving, amazing person who I deeply desired to be, but more importantly for convincing me that I can and should strive for a deeper understanding of myself. By encouraging me to make the kinds of choices that will actually bring about the change that I desire, he has given me more confidence in myself than I thought possible. I would not have taken the kind of time to look into myself, seek and discover the love for who I really am if not for that trust and encouragement. I am so grateful that I get to share my life with my favorite and most trusted companion.
Thank you friend, for reading my heart, sharing in my journey, for caring about me, believing in me and for putting up with some of my more unsavory qualities. I can't wait to take the things I have learned in these 33 years and use it to be an even better Mallory! If you can take anything from my birthday Epiphany, it's that ultimately, all it takes is listening to your heart and making the right choice, even if it is the hard choice, to be a better you. Never give up on yourself, you are worth more than you will ever know.
I am thankful for facebook on my birthday, for all the wonderful thoughts that are sent to me from people with whom I have shared experiences, memories, and love. It's impossible to ignore how valued I am, how loved by the sheer number of happy wishes given to me. I was particularly struck this year by how similarly my siblings described me in their posts. My brother described me as his "crazy live live to the fullest amazing sister" and my sister called me "amazing and full of life". Thinking on my two first friends, the people who helped shape me in to the person that I am, who have known the real me since day one describe me as life loving and amazing filled my heart with a deep calming love and made my eyes shine with un-shed tears of joy. I like to consider myself as someone with those qualities, but more often than not, I question it's sincerity, thinking of myself as having a really great act, but a dark heart. It is something I have sadly allowed to become ingrained in me, a self doubt clouding my happiness at the most inconvenient times. I have been aware of it's unhelpful presence for some time now, though and have begun to thoughtfully rewrite my inner dialogue to one that better matches who I really do believe I am, even through the lies and doubts. Hearing that kind of affirmation from those two people who are more important to me than they know is better than any "thing" that I could or have ever received as a birthday gift. It is the cherry on top of what has been the most beautiful and inspiring birthday of my life. I have been looking forward to 33 for a while, knowing on some abstract plane that I would be better today than I was yesterday, I don't always give in to that kind of hope for fear it will let me down but I've held steadfast to this one, feeding it with positive action and focused intent. I would like to give credit to my best friend, partner, and love for always believing that I was the life loving, amazing person who I deeply desired to be, but more importantly for convincing me that I can and should strive for a deeper understanding of myself. By encouraging me to make the kinds of choices that will actually bring about the change that I desire, he has given me more confidence in myself than I thought possible. I would not have taken the kind of time to look into myself, seek and discover the love for who I really am if not for that trust and encouragement. I am so grateful that I get to share my life with my favorite and most trusted companion.
Thank you friend, for reading my heart, sharing in my journey, for caring about me, believing in me and for putting up with some of my more unsavory qualities. I can't wait to take the things I have learned in these 33 years and use it to be an even better Mallory! If you can take anything from my birthday Epiphany, it's that ultimately, all it takes is listening to your heart and making the right choice, even if it is the hard choice, to be a better you. Never give up on yourself, you are worth more than you will ever know.
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Moving on...stepping forward.
After a week of stressing and rehearsing my audition material, getting new headshots and updating my resume, all the while fighting my demons of doubt, it was over and done in less than 24 hours. I was ready and looked flawless, make-up, dress and heels all classy and flattering. I was confident, professional and well prepared with a song I learned specifically for the audition,"I'd Give My Life for You" from Miss Saigon. I absolutely nailed it even though I'd never actually run through it with an accompanist and of course, they didn't know that I'd learned it in a week, but I did and it added a bounce to my step. I chose to learn a new song rather than sing an old favorite because Miss Saigon is operatic, similar to Evita's score and it showcased my range, both vocally and emotionally. The director commented that he loved that song and had seen the musical in it's first run. There was a small hiccup going into the second part of the song, but I am almost certain that it wasn't detrimental.
After leaving the audition room the people in the hallway congratulated me on how well I sounded, and I felt amazing, partially because I knew that I had chosen well and the time I dedicated to learning it had paid off but mostly, because it was over. I am only going to say this once, I hate auditioning. It's the most nerve wracking process I have ever experienced beforehand, during and afterward. My last blog post details the doubts that plague my mind leading up to an audition. The moment of truth feels excruciating like I am selling myself, because essentially, that is exactly what I am doing. Even if I am entirely confident that I will be the best choice for the part, convincing someone else that doesn't know me from Adam is another story. Not to mention, playing a part out of context (monologues are even worse), mastering the right amount of eye contact without being creepy and going from myself, to my character and back to myself in a matter of 2-3 minutes is an art form in and of itself! Therefor, for me the aftermath is most welcome because I no longer have any control over what will happens, good or bad. Don't get me wrong, it's still nerve wracking waiting to hear if I've won a call back, but I am pretty good at convincing myself to chill out because I understand intellectually it's not worth the stress. Once is is all over and done, I pat myself on the back for successfully completing a difficult task, wish for the best and hope that if it's a no, they'll tell me sooner rather than later.
I got part of my wish in an email thanking me for auditioning but informing me that I would not be invited to the call back. After the initial disappointment came the 'what if'...I had chose a different song, dress, headshot? What if the director had to pee and he wasn't paying attention to my song? What if they thought I was too fat or ugly? What if, what if, what if! In this case, intuition tells me I did my best, sang the shit out of the song and that if they didn't like the way I look, there is nothing I could have done to prevent that. Fortunately, I am a relentlessly positive person, so after a small amount of understandable deprecation, comes time to find the the next audition. While I find that to be a most difficult task, I get that it's the only choice, aside from giving up which I refuse to do.
This particular audition was ultimately invaluably beneficial insofar as it pushed me to step up my game, out of respect for the professionalism of the Theater. In a little over a week, I got new head shots, updated my resume (with a lot of help from my amazing talented friend) and added an awesome new song to my repertoire. I literally haven't been that productive in such a short amount of time since college, almost a decade ago. It felt considerably less stressful because instead of writing a 10+ page paper due the next day or studying a semesters worth of notes 48 hours before the final, I had chosen to take action, out of a deep love for my craft. Come to think of it, the only time I didn't procrastinate in college was when I was rehearsing a show. Learning lines, character work and staying late to go over and over (and over) dance moves until it was second nature all came easily because I understood that there were others who were counting on me to do my best and more importantly because it provided me with incredible JOY. I'm starting to realize that since then, since it's only me who will suffer when I don't put in the leg work, I have lost sight of why I want to succeed in the business and what it takes to get there. VERY few people get discovered on the street or at their first audition. The lucky few who call themselves working actors, do so because they pounded the pavement, paid their dues and faced inevitable disappointment with apperception and a heightened sense of determination.
I finally understand what I need to do and feel compelled to make calculated moves necessary to succeed. I didn't get that part, but that doesn't mean I won't get the next one, or the one after that (and so on...). When I told my mom I had an audition but that I was only cautiously hopeful I would be chosen, she wisely stated, "Nothing ventured, nothing gained.". Simple, yet perfectly profound and incredibly relevant. So now with confidence and gusto, I will send my resume to all the Austin Agencies I can locate, find auditions and submit myself. Most importantly, I will give my talent the respect it demands. My heart, mind and instincts are finally aligned; Now is the time, the time is now!
I chose that headshot because I had to choose one for the audition but I haven't actually settled on it.
I have whittled the headshots down to "maybes" below, and I would LOVE your input.
I have numbered them but they are in no particular order. I simply wanted to make it easy for you to express which ones you liked best. Thank you for your feedback, I am forever grateful.
XO - Mal
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Friday, June 5, 2015
Back in the Saddle
I am terrified, qualified and confident that I will fail but unsure if I have the strength to keep going in failures wake. I am referring to my love affair with theater and acting. I started off in Musical Theater which came quite easily to me. I was lovingly guided from a very young age by my talented mother in the art of singing. I can say with complete honesty that singing is the one talent I possess that I have never doubted, even for a moment. I know that I am gifted, that I have something special and valuable that both feeds me and grounds me. I am incredibly grateful and want nothing more than to share my gift with anyone who will have it. So while it felt easy, the older I got the more it became clear that I couldn't rely on my facial expressions and voice alone, to make it in Musical Theater, I needed to learn to act. So I majored in theater and received a bachelor of arts learning the nuances of the great art of pretending.
When done right, it looks effortless but in reality, acting is arduous! When I see a talented actor on stage or screen, I am blown away as if I were watching a concert pianist who has studied for decades. For some, it comes as naturally as my voice came to me. In my experience, it is a painstaking process that fills me with doubt and anxiety. That doesn't mean I don't love it, there is no where I feel more alive, but it feels unnatural to pursue something that I don't quite feel I have the right to pursue. I think that a lot of it has to do with over thinking, which is my general go to. The hardest part for me is turning off the part of the brain that feeds the doubt, and allowing my brain to connect to the heart of the character. Even when I am achingly similar to a character, I still must swim through the abyss of my own fear, to the inner life of the person I must become. I know in my gut I could have an amazing career if I would only get over myself, but in my 32 years, I have yet to accomplish said feat.
Last weekend, almost absentmindedly, I started searching for auditions in my area. Almost immediately, I found a most amazing opportunity to audition for the distinguished and professional Zach Theater, for a part in the chorus of Evita. I absolutely had to submit myself, and so I updated my resume, crossed my fingers and bit the bullet. I assumed that I wouldn't be called, for a number of reasons not the least of which I don't look anything like an Argentinian. Amazingly, they emailed me back within 24 hours to schedule an audition! Right away I was filled with excitement, and elation over simply getting the chance to be seen. I rode that high long enough to choose the perfect audition song and schedule new head shots. BAM, out of nowhere I found myself once again in that familiar place of dubious hesitation. Where did that confidence go?! If I don't get in, it's not because I am not talented, it's because I wasn't right for the part or any number of other reasons that has nothing to do with me, but all the same it's unforgivably brutal. But what is the point of thinking I won't get the part, when I haven't even been seen? There in lies my greatest hurdle that I have yet to figure out how overcome.
So here I am, equal parts determination and uncertainty. I will go to the audition and I will psyche myself up to a level of confidence that requires a great deal of expert acting. I will sing so well that they will ask me to sing something else just so they can hear my beautiful timbre a little longer. After that, it is up to the fates to decide. My heart tells me that if I don't get the part, I will go back into a hole for another four years but my mind will do it's best to win the battle, if not the war. I am grateful for the support my partner and friends offer, but knowing it's up to me is the hardest part I've ever played.
Prologue:
Moments after posting this, the first thing I did was look up more auditions. Something tells me I am going to be OK.
When done right, it looks effortless but in reality, acting is arduous! When I see a talented actor on stage or screen, I am blown away as if I were watching a concert pianist who has studied for decades. For some, it comes as naturally as my voice came to me. In my experience, it is a painstaking process that fills me with doubt and anxiety. That doesn't mean I don't love it, there is no where I feel more alive, but it feels unnatural to pursue something that I don't quite feel I have the right to pursue. I think that a lot of it has to do with over thinking, which is my general go to. The hardest part for me is turning off the part of the brain that feeds the doubt, and allowing my brain to connect to the heart of the character. Even when I am achingly similar to a character, I still must swim through the abyss of my own fear, to the inner life of the person I must become. I know in my gut I could have an amazing career if I would only get over myself, but in my 32 years, I have yet to accomplish said feat.
Last weekend, almost absentmindedly, I started searching for auditions in my area. Almost immediately, I found a most amazing opportunity to audition for the distinguished and professional Zach Theater, for a part in the chorus of Evita. I absolutely had to submit myself, and so I updated my resume, crossed my fingers and bit the bullet. I assumed that I wouldn't be called, for a number of reasons not the least of which I don't look anything like an Argentinian. Amazingly, they emailed me back within 24 hours to schedule an audition! Right away I was filled with excitement, and elation over simply getting the chance to be seen. I rode that high long enough to choose the perfect audition song and schedule new head shots. BAM, out of nowhere I found myself once again in that familiar place of dubious hesitation. Where did that confidence go?! If I don't get in, it's not because I am not talented, it's because I wasn't right for the part or any number of other reasons that has nothing to do with me, but all the same it's unforgivably brutal. But what is the point of thinking I won't get the part, when I haven't even been seen? There in lies my greatest hurdle that I have yet to figure out how overcome.
So here I am, equal parts determination and uncertainty. I will go to the audition and I will psyche myself up to a level of confidence that requires a great deal of expert acting. I will sing so well that they will ask me to sing something else just so they can hear my beautiful timbre a little longer. After that, it is up to the fates to decide. My heart tells me that if I don't get the part, I will go back into a hole for another four years but my mind will do it's best to win the battle, if not the war. I am grateful for the support my partner and friends offer, but knowing it's up to me is the hardest part I've ever played.
Prologue:
Moments after posting this, the first thing I did was look up more auditions. Something tells me I am going to be OK.
Friday, May 15, 2015
Bounty on a budget (Fashion for the people)
I have had this idea for some time now for a book I'd like to write. A sort of self help, confidence boosting, fashion guide. Within the first month of 2015, in which I resolved to dedicate time to create, I began. I am well aware writing a book is a massive undertaking. I am absolutely unsure if I have the dedication to actually finish it, but I'm riding the wave of determination as far as it will take me. The idea is one that I am truly an expert on, building a fashionable wardrobe on a very tight budget. I have never known what it was like to spend money without careful consideration. Most of the people I know are in a similar financial state, and therefore I must assume that my years of knowledge, trial and error could be beneficial to anyone who desires to be stylish without going into (more) debt. My dear friend advised me to write a blog to help flesh out what I wanted to say, while gaining feedback and potential readers along the way. I had such a blast writing about my capsule wardrobe failure, that I am taking his advice and working out some of what I have written so far, and sharing it here. I invite your feedback, good bad or otherwise.
For those of you readers who don't know me or care for my personal story, I have highlighted the main ideas in bold. No need for tl;dr.
Here's to creative endeavours!
I love fashion. I wish I could spend the kind of money on my clothes that my taste deserves but my salary leaves something to be desired and I know that I am not the only one trying to keep my style fresh without reaching for the credit card. In this series, I will share with you easy to remember tips and practical advice to help you achieve the confidence that will help you change your life and look great at any age, body type, or budget. Furthermore, I will give you the power to change your look as often as you want, and show you how to shop yourself happy (without the buyer's remorse)! I’ve spent the last 20 years combing through thrift stores and second hand shops and I have learned the hard way, but you can choose the easy way by simply adopting my tried and tested methods. I have the secret to staying out of financial trouble, while being admired for an expensive looking and current, even unique wardrobe and I want to share it with you!
I have never been wealthy, I grew up a Missionary's kid, the third one along at that. I was raised, lacking nothing but without excess. We did not have extra money for stylish wares and more often than not I was clothed in hand me downs and second hand fashion, not ideal for a budding fashionista but when I was small I was more concerned with how many times I could rollerskate around in circles while holding my breath. What impressions I did have of second hand shops were good; I remember walking away with a lot more items than what I could get with the same amount of money at a department store. As I got older though, and began to realize that all the cool kids dressed a certain way and as fitting in was a pretty major goal for me, I spent what little money I had at the mall. (distain) Finally, around sophomore or junior year, someone who I considered super cool took me to a thrift store and I re-discovered the joy of the hunt. For two or three years, I bought mostly funny T-shirts and ill fitting jeans but I was on the right path.
Somewhere during high school, when I discovered my desire to express myself through my attire I began experimenting with wacky pieces that I thought would define me as having “my own style”. More often than not, I failed miserably (I’m looking at you cow pants and pink sweatshirt with the faux fur trim). Thanks to the nudges of fashionably conservative best friend, I learned to make outfits that actually worked and occasionally I quazi-achieved my ultimate goal to be a trend setter. It was in those moments that I realized that I had a sixth sense for fashion. I wore things that would not be popular for months and I while I personally had no bearing on it's appeal, I was ahead of the curve. It would be another five years until my confidence improved but I was never afraid to be different, even when I believed I was ugly and fat. Well after highschool, one of my classmates whom I was never close with, but I liked contacted me out of the blue on facebook to say that she remembered how different I chose to dress and how it had been so impressive to her, considering our ages. I was taken aback that anyone even noticed I was trying, and touched that she chose to share with me. What she didn't know, was that I had no choice. I could be the discount version of everyone else or the glammed out version of myself, and given the choice I will always choose glam.
It wasn’t until college when I had a car, a job and free time that I truly found my fashion voice. As you recall, I’d been wearing recycled fashion for most of my life but after attending high school in one of the wealthiest towns in America, I found myself with a newly acquired skill for finding designer threads among the tattered and torn donations. I began to develop a clairvoyant calling when to visit a specific thrift store and even what specific section to search to find those Gucci shoes or Burberry raincoat. To this day, my favorite Vera Bradley bag cost me .99c at what came to be my second home, Red, White and Blue in Paterson, NJ. I will admit, this skill is in part instincts but it is in a large part to paying attention. You don’t have to shop at SAKS to sport high end brands, simply paying close attention to the labels will lead you to clothing that will last longer and look better. If you like fashion magazines (I don’t) pay attention to the ads. You can check on the fly using your smart phone but it’s better use of your shopping time to ask google ahead of time who makes the highest quality clothing and look at all the designers and take them in. People who can afford those clothes, feel good about donating them to charity and often you will find beautiful, well made staple items with the tags still attached. Just before Christmas, I scored a BCBG silk layered crop top from Goodwill with a Neiman Marcus tag for $198. My price, you ask? $6.99. I hadn’t even seen the OG price tag I simply knew the brand to be of high quality so It was an added bonus to find out I had saved myself $191!
Knowing brands will only take you so far, you need to figure out which styles and materials flatter your body and the best way to do this is try try try it on! Take everything off the rack that jumps out at you and looks like it might fit, even if you think it’s not going to look good. I can’t tell you how many times I have tried something on fully expecting it to look terrible and been so wrong! Likewise, I have loooooved things, longed for them to be perfect and they just didn’t work on me. If it’s too big and you are willing to spend a little extra money having it taken in, or up, you can buy it but you absolutely MUST take it to a tailor. Don’t try to get away with wearing it as is because the whole point of this exercise is to present your best self and ill fitting clothing expresses laziness and lack of confidence, the very opposite of what we are trying to achieve.
I try not to be biased against brands that can be found at bargain stores such as KMart or Walmart because I don’t like to rule anything out but be wary, they are not known for their craftsmanship (or ethics). Similarly, juniors clothing are not made to last as kids grow quickly and their styles change just as fast. If you are tiny, you may be tempted to shop in the juniors section to save money but you should generally avoid this as you probably have enough trouble not looking like a teenager and you won’t get more than one or two seasons out of your purchase. If it is simply a trend you are following, go for it as long it fits well because by the time it wears out, the trend will be passe. What I desire for you though, is for you to create your own style and build your wardrobe with high quality pieces that show the world who you are and what makes you special.
Down to brass tacks! Begin by googling thrift stores, second hand shops, goodwill, salvation army, using as many descriptive words as you can. You’d be surprised at how many hidden gems stay hidden because they haven’t quite caught up with the modern age. Yelp is a good tool for researching. Map them all out so that if you happen to be in the area you can stop by and check it out. By visiting every shop you find, will discover which ones are well stocked and which are lacking. This isn’t always true but many times a Goodwill in a wealthy neighborhood will be stocked with better quality donations. Once you know which thrift stores have the highest quality, best selection and generally suit your style, you will begin to develop a sense for where to go when looking for something specific. This will save you a ton of time which you can use to go out and show the world your new wardrobe!
I recommend giving yourself a 2+ hour window for larger stores and up to an hour for small shops. I know that seems like a long time but think about how long it takes to get from one end of the mall to the other, only in this situation the whole mall is in one place! To ensure you feel well enough for a marathon shop, make sure you are properly hydrated and if you haven’t eaten, bring a snack or grab one on the way in. Walk up and down every aisle because things get moved around and hung in the wrong place constantly. At first it might feel frustrating, even boring but you’ll get faster with time and begin to identify things by touch (material) rather than having to view each item separately. High end designers tend to use silks, and other more sturdy and flattering materials making them easy to find. Similarly, you can quickly identify items you might like by color. If you look amazing in baby blue, ruby red or kelly green, look for those colors and if you like the style and it looks about your size, try, try, try it on!
Regarding sizes, don’t follow sizes as law because they’re arbitrary and after a bit of trial and error, you will be able to look at something and tell if you will be able to fit into it better than any label. Consider how long you have been trying on and buying your own clothing. If you are in your twenties, maybe only a handful of years. If you are in your thirties or forties, it's been at least a decade and so on. You know, generally, what is going to fit over your head. Don't be afraid to try something on that you like but might overlook for being too small or too big, because you could miss something that is surprisingly flattering. My friend recently came over to look through the clothes I had cleansed during my capsule wardrobe experiment and when I showed her a dress in my closet that had made the cut, I could see the skepticism in her face. I understand, I felt the same way when I first saw it. It's a mini, white, mod style dress with a huge butterfly with sequins front and slightly off center. I put it on right then and there and she was blown away! It looks like it was made for me, not too tight, or too loose, the right length to show off my toned legs, with a modest neckline to keep it classy. That is a great example of something that I wouldn't have even known if I missed out on but I am so glad I didn't. Try, try, try it on!
I mentioned fashion rags as a tool earlier and some people like to use them not only to familiarize themselves with designers but to watch the current and more importantly upcoming styles. I personally find them to be boring and outdated however I admit there is something fun about flipping pages over a glass of vino and picturing yourself in the latest styles. My personal methods for keeping up with current trending styles is to browse online retailers that suit my style, and simply just looking at people’s clothing, and noticing what items lots of people are wearing. If I start to think about something (sometimes obsessively) I will look for it until I find it. But not just it, the right it, the one that fits ME more than it fits me into the it crowd. If everybody is wearing it, I want to wear it better! Let it be known, I don’t exclusively shop second hand, if there is something I really want and I have spent at least a month searching for it second hand, I will occasionally bite the bullet and buy it retail.
I am so grateful for the lessons that being a frugal shopper has taught me, I genuinely wouldn't have it any other way. Do I covitt Louis Vuitton shoes?, Absolutely. Chanel handbags?, You bet! But if and when I make a massively expensive purchase such as those, I will have done so by saving and sacrificing and up to this point in my fashion journey, that is not a choice I have felt compelled to make. However, If you know what you are looking for so well you can picture it in your head, you will find it eventually at the right price. For some of you, perhaps making a fashion board (similar to a vision board) with cut outs of what you are looking for would help. The key here is understanding what you are looking for and not giving up until you've added it to your collection. Today I stopped at my local Goodwill to celebrate passing my written drivers exam and found a pair of pants I've been wanting for months! They're wide legged, soft, comfortable yet classy and so so cute. I have almost bought similar pants on Modcloth half a dozen times but stopped at the price tag. After all that waiting and looking, I found mine for only $4.99! They are the embodiment of my three favorite things; fashionable, comfortable and affordable!
I hope that you have enjoyed reading as much as I have writing! The next instalment will feature staples every woman should own, dealing with specific body types and questions you can ask yourself when you are unsure whether or not to commit to a piece. Please "follow" the blog to ensure you see future posts and feel free to share it with anyone who might be interested!
XO - Mallory
PS.
BCBG silk layered crop top ($198 originally, I paid $6.99)
Butterfly Dress, totally minimizes my cup size! :-)
&
Sought after wide leg pants!
AKA glorified PJ pants I can wear to work!
Monday, May 4, 2015
a hoarders capsule wardrobe
I recently came across the concept of a "capsule wardrobe", created by a lovely woman living right here in Austin, TX! I scoffed, then thought some, doubted my ability to do it, scoffed again; and then accepted that my attitude was coming from a place of fear and while I love clothing a great deal, I could definitely benefit from the simplification that it could provide. I also remembered something my boyfriend's mother said to me when we were visiting at Christmas time. After exclaiming that I had packed way too many clothes and hadn't worn most of them, she stated that in fact, she'd only seen me wear what I was wearing at the time. It was my most comfortable outfit and clearly I'd worn it out because I liked the way I looked, how I felt and ultimately what it said about me. If nothing else this capsule wardrobe will give me the skills I need to pack for a long trip!
I consider ones wardrobe to be an exceptional form of personal expression. I used to wear tons of jewelry because I had beautiful pieces and I loved the stories they told. I now wear the same earrings almost every day because they are beautiful, versatile and so comfortable that I don't always take them out at night. Necklaces, rings and bracelets only come out for events because...laziness to a degree but also comfort, my current favorite buzzword! I have spent the last two decades building an exciting, unique and beautiful wardrobe; There have been times in my life when I went to my closet to think and write, feeding off the inspiration. I shopped nearly every day in college, almost exclusively thrift stores but nevertheless I had a massive wardrobe. I like to think that I have pared down considerably but I have become a clothes horse and that ain't gonna change.
When I read about the idea, right off the bat I decided there was no way I was going for 37 pieces as suggested. I have clothing that I may not currently wear or have worn in a year (as some organizers suggest) but that are timeless. I have seen it time and again, a pair of shoes, a skirt, dress or top goes out of fashion, only to circle back around within half a decade. I've never been one to follow the herd but there is something to be said for already owning what everyone is buying. Once I decided I wouldn't force myself to adhere to the rules I felt comfortable starting the journey but I still spent a week doing every other imaginable task from my to do list before even considering the matter at hand. After getting the last minute and very lucky opportunity to see a huge number of mega country music stars second row floor Saturday night, I had the all the positive mojo I needed to begin.
I broke the rules right off the bat. I didn't take everything out at once, I went shelf by shelf until it was empty. Then by the time everything was out, I was done and could put it all back in right away providing instant gratification. Ultimately, I did take it all out and was left with an empty closet. Phew. I swept all the dust bunnies and wiped all the surfaces to give myself a nice clean environment. I'm not going to lie, three "maybe" pieces from the first shelf made it through and I am keeping my eye on them until maybe turns into no. They're summer dresses so storing them won't allow me to choose to keep, or not. Once I hit the second shelf, I started to feel more comfortable saying no. I even came up with some of my own thoughts on the matter. Some additional questions I asked myself are highlighted in red for those of you who subscribe to tldr.
Ask yourself, Would I keep this if it were stained or torn? I was about to say yes to an item and noticed there was a stain. Normally, I would do what I could to get the stain out but in this case, the benefits don't justify the cost. I don't typically wear this item and I probably won't fix it so it's time to say goodbye. I don't even remember the specific item which tells me I truly wasn't attached to it but I remember it happened subsequently quite a few times, giving me a reason I might not have considered to feel good letting things go. So thoroughly examine everything because if you won't spend the money or time fixing it, you won't (or shouldn't) wear it.
I haven't been shopping in about a month and I think I can hold out until next season, but if you want one last chance to feel like you are shopping, ask yourself Would I buy this if I were trying it on in a store? That question came up about one of the maybes, I like the way it looks, and it is a stylish work appropriate dress but I couldn't quite decide if I would buy it if I were trying it on for the first time. Thusly, it became a maybe. Baby steps.
Can I remember the last time I wore this? A great consideration to make. If you do remember it, and you felt amazing and you looked so great then I think we both know it's a keeper. Likewise if you are on the fence, ask the follow up question, Do I have other items that would outfit well with this? If you don't, and you really can't think of anything else you have with which it pairs well, it's a goner.
Do I have multiples? If you have two of more than a couple things, you most likely choose the one you like better 90% of the time. Be honest, the second black tank top is mostly used on laundry day. No shame but if you rarely wear the backup, you should get rid of it. Just think of it as clutter. Nobody needs more clutter. Because even laundry day shirt has to get washed.
Is it age appropriate?; If no, do I care? This one is fun for me because I still have a good deal of clothing from my 20's, even teens. I own a pair of black platform sneakers that I purchased in 1996, the era of the Spice Girl! Some items were surprisingly clear, yes or no as was suggested. Others I needed to try on. If anything about it made me feel self conscious, it's had to be a no. The items that didn't make the cut were mostly dresses/skirts that are incredibly short and/or have sequins. Part of me disagrees with the concept of age appropriate style. Why can't I continue wearing the ridiculous and sometimes very sexy outfits? Who says? I don't care for them, anyway.
Could I find this again? If I were to suddenly need khaki shorts, I could go to any thrift store, goodwill, salvo, even department store and buy new ones and I could find them for less than ten dollars. However, as previously mentioned, I have spent the better part of twenty years finding one of a kind passionate pieces that stand on their own. If I were to part with any of those, it would be the end forever, nothing like it. It's a bit dramatic but it's how I feel about my clothes. That being said, I gave up four vintage dresses (which I am bringing to Frock On to see if I can get some credit). In one case, it was a multiple. The exception proves the rule. I had two dresses, both long, bold and flowery from the 60's. The one I chose fits me like a glove and is super soft whereas the one I am parting with is rough and fits me well enough. By comparing the two, I was able to let go of one.
My last piece of advice is in my mind as important as any other consideration. If it almost fits but brings you joy, spend the money to have it altered. You shouldn't let anything back into your closet until you have deemed it flatters you, first and foremost. If it is an item of clothing that is high quality or that you simply couldn't part with, you should bring it to your local Tailor. If you don't know where to go ask around or go on yelp, read reviews and call around to inquire about pricing. I learned this on What Not to Wear and it has allowed me to keep dresses, pants, really anything and wear them with confidence. And if you won't spend the money, prepare to pass it along.
See the empty closet?!
keepers
toss pile
I started re-building the closet with shoes because I had been using this unsightly shoe rack and it was a dust bunny magnet! I'm over it. Plus, I love my shoes so displaying them here makes me happy.
Next was shelves, although Alley didn't want to give that one up for a good while.
More shoes on top, though these are the ones I rarely wear.
OK. I know I didn't even come CLOSE to a capsule closet. I like the idea but it just doesn't work for me, not now at least. I will continue to remove everything and re-evaluate piece by piece once a season, however and I think with any luck over time I will get closer to the goal. Thank you for reading and I hope that my insight provides you with the fuel you need to get going on your own closet clean out, even if it's similar to my hoarders style!
XO - Mallory
PS. regarding the vintage dress I decided to re-sell, here is the photographic evidence!...
The "one I will never part with" on the left (all colors), and the "fits just OK" on the right(white and orange).
Even though I am letting it go, it was fun to try on the toss dress
because the last time I wore it, it was tight and now there is plenty of room! Best feeling ever!
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