It's a new dawn, It's a new day, It's a new life...for me. And I'm feeling good.

Below I've included the lyrics to one of my favorite songs of all time.  It's one of those songs that you know, just makes me smile each and every time I hear it.  I don't really consider any other version besides Nina Simone because she is just so fantastic and gorgeous to listen to.  I chose the lyrics as a heading for this post because it's now officially the "new year" and I AM feeling good.  For the first time in, I don't know, five years or so, I am happy with the "plan" I have set for 2011.  I am not thinking too far beyond this year, and that is something I am working on - "the 5 year plan" and all that, but for now, I am actually proud of myself.  I feel healthy, strong, intelligent, calm and beautiful from the inside out.  I am in love, and it is not perfect but it is real and true.  More importantly than my love for my dear sweetheart however, is my self-love and I am now, possibly for the first time, truly and completely in love with myself.  I have finally learned how to put my needs first and not to think of that as a selfish or negative thing.  Obviously, i'm going to keep learning how to refine and define that scenario, but it's here and it's not going anywhere.  


This morning at the gym (I was there at quarter to 8, which for anyone who knows me is WAY early) about how I didn't have to set my intentions for any new years resolutions this year because before the year even began, I was doing them!  All the resolutions I've been setting for, I don't know, five years now - are taking place and I didn't have to think about it because there were a clear part of my agenda before the new year began.   There are three ("resolutions") that have been taunting me year after year;  1. Work out.  2. Get back into acting/singing/art and 3. Take vitamins.  The first of these, working out, I addressed one month ago when I joined a gym.  I did it because I was so sad and frustrated with my weight/body image.  I eat pretty healthy, don't go to excess and live my life with the modo "Everything in moderation, including moderation."  I knew deeply that until I got to be more physically active, nothing was going to change.  There is also another positive side to working out for me because  I struggle with body pain that ebbs and flows with the weather.  Something inside me was telling me that if I swam consistently, it would not only help with the pain but the healthy body issue as well.  It's like when I couldn't get the idea of roller-blades out of my head until I bought a pair and proceeded to blade until the wheels basically fell off.  So I did it, and I am LOVING it.  I do have drag my ass out of bed and go work out, but it's worth it and i'm hoping eventually it will become easier to gather the motivation.  The second one of these is definitely the MOST important, in so far as - If I am not creating, I AM NOT LIVING.  (As Fanny Bryce says "I live on stage.") I need to be on stage to fulfill my heart of hearts and it's been the most difficult battle I could have ever imagined facing because while it was breaking me to NOT be on the scene, I just couldn't face it.  In comes Peter Colletto, my HS drama teacher who once again, for the third time, changed my life by getting me involved in something and re-igniting a fire inside of me that only being on stage can do.  After Peter had me come do a show with him, this past year, a co-worker who had seen the show gave me some clippings of local auditions.  As much as I didn't want to go on them because I am "busy with the move", I decided why not and went anyway.  One of them was a bust, as they sometimes are, but I got the second one and it pays!  Officially making me, a "working actress".  That show goes up January 21st and I would be lying if I said that I am totally and completely looking forward to to it, only because of the rehearsal hours and what not, but ultimately it is feeding me as it should.  The last Resolution I made for myself is not so much a choice at this point: Vitamins.  I got a call from the doctor this week telling me that once again, my Vitamin D count is super LOW - 17 was the number if that means anything to you, and if I don't take my supplements I am at a higher risk of cancer - YIKES!  So, scary as that is, it's turned me into a vita-nazi and I am all over that like Joey from Blossom - WOAH!  


I've been battling sickness (had two stomach viruses in one week), depression (it comes and goes) and soul starvation (due to the afore mentioned lack of complete self-love and need for artistic expression) for years now;  YEARS, and it's time to stop all that madness and move on to a healthier and happier existence.  I'm sure as love that it's going to be a hard, sometimes up-hill battle but I feel ready and as prepared as I can be to face it all.  


So here you go - lyrics to one of my all time favorite songs.  Do yourself a favor though, watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8tuTSi6Sck
Cause that's the thing about singing, it's better when sung. 




Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom on a tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me

And I'm feeling good

First Post

It's the end of the year, with Christmas just days away and the new year on the horizon, it's time to reflect.  This past year has been...tough, to put it mildly.  I have worked more than my fair share (and I wonder how many people on un-employment make as much as I do at 55 hours a week) and had more heartache than joy, but it's lead me to a place where I no longer feel complacent in ANY way shape or form to "let life happen to me".  I have more or less been in the passenger seat for a long time now, perhaps forever and it's taken this hardship I've been enduring to get to this driven, and hopeful place I am reaching.

As many of you know I am planning a move out to Austin, TX in March.  As many of you also know, I have been planning a move ever since graduation from Ramapo, almost 5 years ago now.  So there is this little devil sitting on my shoulder, taunting me saying "you can't do it, you won't do it, you've said it before I don't believe it." and the old me would have said "NO, you're wrong!" all the while actually believing it.  The new me is saying "You're right, but I will prove it to you and to myself."  The devil is in the details, and that is totally stressing me out because I don't have everything worked out, but I am doing what I can, and I will go if I have to friggen hitchhike the whole way.  Seriously, that is a worst case scenario.  Thing is, I don't know what it is about Austin that is calling to me - besides the cheaper rent and the massive amount of music opportunities - but it is, calling to me.  I can't and I won't ignore it.  If I am wrong, I will be wrong with conviction.  If I am right, I'll be in one of the coolest and most beautiful places in the USA!  Seriously, Austin is happening.

Lastly, I am sad to say that I have been experiencing hair loss for about 5 or 6 years now and it is so distressing and embarrassing.  For a Leo such as myself to have problems with her mane is a serious blow to the pride - No pun intended.  At first I thought it was because of my eating habits - at the time that it started, I was an un-diagnosed anorexic.  That does make sense, and maybe it is how it began, but I am much healthier now.  I eat right, exercise, and drink tons of water so why isn't it growing back thing and strong again?, I ask...let me take you back to about about 6 months ago; I had an accident at work and sprained my wrist very badly.  I went to the doctor and they did all sorts of blood work.  They confirmed what I already knew, that I have Fibromyalgia, but as there is no way to "test" or really treat Fibro, that diagnosis  means nothing to me.  I've been living with this pain for the better part  life and I'm not really even sure it IS Fibro, or something yet to be found.  What they did discover for sure, is that I am severely Vitamin D deficient.  This is really bad news considering my grandmother had osteoporosis and this can be one of the main causes of the affliction.  What really sucks is that I can't be bothered to remember to take my Vitamin daily.  I have always sucked at taking pills (even anti-biotics) but ever since I got on Ritalin, I have had no problem remembering to take THAT, so it stands to reason I am just lazy about it.  Then today I googled "Can a Vitamin D Deficiency cause hair loss?", and when it came up as a resounding YES, the first thing I did was pop a D like it was candy.  So my vanity was stronger than my sloth.  This is sad.  This is exactly what I am working towards changing in the next year of my life.

My desire to be healthy mind, body and spirit is about to rise about everything else I can imagine.  This, in no way means I plan on being "selfish" - a "me me me" attitude has never been my way.  Instead, the attitude I am creating is one  that allows me to put my own self preservation and growth at the very top of my list, right after breathing, eating, sleeping, H20, you know...the essentials.