Just as a referencing point: I came on here to blow off some stem and found this, a post I had written and intended to post a month ago. Some absolutely insane, could be catastrophic things have happened in the last DAY so Im interested in what one month ago me had to say. Then depending on how much energy it took dealing with that me, I may blow of said steam. Or instead i'll get some much needed rest. Either way is fine with me.
So it's exactly one month to the day when I will be leaving for Austin and it hasn't quite...sunk in. I am leaving NJ, my friends, family, birth state, growth state, a state I love proudly despite and for it's faults. New Jersey is crowded, loud, dirty (in certain parts moreso than others) and FAST. Everything should have been done 5 minutes ago, started and/or finished 5 minutes ago and patience is a dying past time for the weak. Yet, the people here are colorful, multi-talented, thoughtful and strong. Opinions are big and only changed after an animated "discussion". There are plenty of people who care for the animals, less fortunate and the environment; and those would could give a rats ass if it won't get them more money or to work earlier with less of a hassle. Everyone seems to either go along with the rip tide or fight heartily upstream against all odds and which of those we NJians take on varies from day to day. Truly, living in New Jersey is a trip!
But OH, the expense of living here! I just can't seem to understand why there are so many of us choosing to be in a place that is valued on it's distance from the ever so wonderful New York City. I haven't been to the city in months because, oh yea, it's too expensive! Why then, would I choose to need two jobs just to have enough to get by, and scrape along for the opportunity to do a little theatre and performance along the way? It just doesn't make any sense...so I leave. I leave the hustle bustle, the loud and boisterous lifestyle for one of the southern exposure. I leave my friends and family, my way of life - quite frankly the only one I truly "know" for that of an adventure to an un-known place. A place without family, friends, known limitations or even a visit!
When people ask me "Why Austin?", I usually say "Why not?". I've got plenty of reasons, the cost of living, change of scenery, the MUSIC scene and the chance to start anew but the main reason comes from deep within my gut so as that can't be explained lightly, the short answer can suffice. Before I began working for Tom, I had strange and random idea that he may need help in his office. I had little office experience and even less experience with lawyers and billing procedures, but I asked and lo and behold, a year and a half later, I have learned a lot. Not just about the finances of a law office or how strange lawyers can be but of my own dedication towards a greater goal that I didn't really care about. Not that I don't care for Tom or the people there, but how does it help ME if things run more smoothly or get done faster? Yet, when I slacked off I felt guilty and sad and finally realized it was because I wasn't doing my best. MY PERSONAL BEST which could not have been called into question when I was deling with my own shit because I either didn't want to admit I was being lazy or felt I was doing the best I could and therefor allowed myself some peace of mind about my work ethic. All of that came from a decision I made out of gut feeling. How much more can I get from re-locating my life to new place my heart told me was the right thing to do?
I am nervous. Don't get me wrong, I know I will do great. I am personable and witty, able to ebb and flow through all kinds of situations. I wear my heart on my sleeve and do so out of choice; I can make people understand what I and they need to see and all that will help me to meet new people and actually improve the state of my new State. However, the idea of this new fresh and clean slate has me feeling like I better do it right! I believe in myself and don't at equal parts. I know I have talent, am friendly and even beautiful but I have also let myself down so many times I wonder if I really have it in myself to be as strong and dedicated as I need to be. It's a sick game I play with myself where I think of all the things I could be doing and believe it is possible and then don't actually try and get those things my heart desires. Maybe I am truly turning over new leaf, I hope so, it's just hard to trust what you know to have been true. I want so badly to be the best MALLORY I can be. I no longer judge myself based on what I think I should be like, or what other people think I should be like or what other people are like. I am trying hard as hell to stop judging myself all together.
