Moving on...stepping forward.

After a week of stressing and rehearsing my audition material, getting new headshots and updating my resume, all the while fighting my demons of doubt, it was over and done in less than 24 hours. I was ready and looked flawless, make-up, dress and heels all classy and flattering. I was confident, professional and well prepared with a song I learned specifically for the audition,"I'd Give My Life for You" from Miss Saigon. I absolutely nailed it even though I'd never actually run through it with an accompanist and of course, they didn't know that I'd learned it in a week, but I did and it added a bounce to my step. I chose to learn a new song rather than sing an old favorite because Miss Saigon is operatic, similar to Evita's score and it showcased my range, both vocally and emotionally. The director commented that he loved that song and had seen the musical in it's first run. There was a small hiccup going into the second part of the song, but I am almost certain that it wasn't detrimental. 

After leaving the audition room the people in the hallway congratulated me on how well I sounded, and I felt amazing, partially because I knew that I had chosen well and the time I dedicated to learning it had paid off but mostly, because it was over. I am only going to say this once, I hate auditioning. It's the most nerve wracking process I have ever experienced beforehand, during and afterward. My last blog post details the doubts that plague my mind leading up to an audition. The moment of truth feels excruciating like I am selling myself, because essentially, that is exactly what I am doing. Even if I am entirely confident that I will be the best choice for the part, convincing someone else that doesn't know me from Adam is another story. Not to mention, playing a part out of context (monologues are even worse), mastering the right amount of eye contact without being creepy and going from myself, to my character and back to myself in a matter of 2-3 minutes is an art form in and of itself! Therefor, for me the aftermath is most welcome because I no longer have any control over what will happens, good or bad. Don't get me wrong, it's still nerve wracking waiting to hear if I've won a call back, but I am pretty good at convincing myself to chill out because I understand intellectually it's not worth the stress. Once is is all over and done, I pat myself on the back for successfully completing a difficult task, wish for the best and hope that if it's a no, they'll tell me sooner rather than later. 

I got part of my wish in an email thanking me for auditioning but informing me that I would not be invited to the call back. After the initial disappointment came the 'what if'...I had chose a different song, dress, headshot? What if the director had to pee and he wasn't paying attention to my song? What if they thought I was too fat or ugly? What if, what if, what if!  In this case, intuition tells me I did my best, sang the shit out of the song and that if they didn't like the way I look, there is nothing I could have done to prevent that. Fortunately, I am a relentlessly positive person, so after a small amount of understandable deprecation, comes time to find the the next audition. While I find that to be a most difficult task, I get that it's the only choice, aside from giving up which I refuse to do.

This particular audition was ultimately invaluably beneficial insofar as it pushed me to step up my game, out of respect for the professionalism of the Theater. In a little over a week, I got new head shots, updated my resume (with a lot of help from my amazing talented friend) and added an awesome new song to my repertoire. I literally haven't been that productive in such a short amount of time since college, almost a decade ago. It felt considerably less stressful because instead of writing a 10+ page paper due the next day or studying a semesters worth of notes 48 hours before the final, I had chosen to take action, out of a deep love for my craft. Come to think of it, the only time I didn't procrastinate in college was when I was rehearsing a show. Learning lines, character work and staying late to go over and over (and over) dance moves until it was second nature all came easily because I understood that there were others who were counting on me to do my best and more importantly because it provided me with incredible JOY. I'm starting to realize that since then, since it's only me who will suffer when I don't put in the leg work, I have lost sight of why I want to succeed in the business and what it takes to get there. VERY few people get discovered on the street or at their first audition. The lucky few who call themselves working actors, do so because they pounded the pavement, paid their dues and faced inevitable disappointment with apperception and a heightened sense of determination. 

I finally understand what I need to do and feel compelled to make calculated moves necessary to succeed. I didn't get that part, but that doesn't mean I won't get the next one, or the one after that (and so on...). When I told my mom I had an audition but that I was only cautiously hopeful I would be chosen, she wisely stated, "Nothing ventured, nothing gained.". Simple, yet perfectly profound and incredibly relevant. So now with confidence and gusto, I will send my resume to all the Austin Agencies I can locate, find auditions and submit myself. Most importantly, I will give my talent the respect it demands. My heart, mind and instincts are finally aligned; Now is the time, the time is now!

I chose that headshot because I had to choose one for the audition but I haven't actually settled on it. 

I have whittled the headshots down to "maybes" below, and I would LOVE your input. 

I have numbered them but they are in no particular order. I simply wanted to make it easy for you to express which ones you liked best. Thank you for your feedback, I am forever grateful. 

XO - Mal

    

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Back in the Saddle

I am terrified, qualified and confident that I will fail but unsure if I have the strength to keep going in failures wake. I am referring to my love affair with theater and acting. I started off in Musical Theater which came quite easily to me. I was lovingly guided from a very young age by my talented mother in the art of singing. I can say with complete honesty that singing is the one talent I possess that I have never doubted, even for a moment. I know that I am gifted, that I have something special and valuable that both feeds me and grounds me. I am incredibly grateful and want nothing more than to share my gift with anyone who will have it. So while it felt easy, the older I got the more it became clear that I couldn't rely on my facial expressions and voice alone, to make it in Musical Theater, I needed to learn to act. So I majored in theater and received a bachelor of arts learning the nuances of the great art of pretending.

When done right, it looks effortless but in reality, acting is arduous! When I see a talented actor on stage or screen, I am blown away as if I were watching a concert pianist who has studied for decades. For some, it comes as naturally as my voice came to me. In my experience, it is a painstaking process that fills me with doubt and anxiety. That doesn't mean I don't love it, there is no where I feel more alive, but it feels unnatural to pursue something that I don't quite feel I have the right to pursue. I think that a lot of it has to do with over thinking, which is my general go to. The hardest part for me is turning off the part of the brain that feeds the doubt, and allowing my brain to connect to the heart of the character. Even when I am achingly similar to a character, I still must swim through the abyss of my own fear, to the inner life of the person I must become. I know in my gut I could have an amazing career if I would only get over myself, but in my 32 years, I have yet to accomplish said feat.

Last weekend, almost absentmindedly, I started searching for auditions in my area. Almost immediately, I found a most amazing opportunity to audition for the distinguished and professional Zach Theater, for a part in the chorus of Evita. I absolutely had to submit myself, and so I updated my resume, crossed my fingers and bit the bullet. I assumed that I wouldn't be called, for a number of reasons not the least of which I don't look anything like an Argentinian. Amazingly, they emailed me back within 24 hours to schedule an audition!  Right away I was filled with excitement, and elation over simply getting the chance to be seen. I rode that high long enough to choose the perfect audition song and schedule new head shots. BAM, out of nowhere I found myself once again in that familiar place of dubious hesitation. Where did that confidence go?! If I don't get in, it's not because I am not talented, it's because I wasn't right for the part or any number of other reasons that has nothing to do with me, but all the same it's unforgivably brutal. But what is the point of thinking I won't get the part, when I haven't even been seen? There in lies my greatest hurdle that I have yet to figure out how overcome.

So here I am, equal parts determination and uncertainty. I will go to the audition and I will psyche myself up to a level of confidence that requires a great deal of expert acting. I will sing so well that they will ask me to sing something else just so they can hear my beautiful timbre a little longer. After that, it is up to the fates to decide. My heart tells me that if I don't get the part, I will go back into a hole for another four years but my mind will do it's best to win the battle, if not the war. I am grateful for the support my partner and friends offer, but knowing it's up to me is the hardest part I've ever played.

Prologue:
Moments after posting this, the first thing I did was look up more auditions. Something tells me I am going to be OK.