I am terrified, qualified and confident that I will fail but unsure if I have the strength to keep going in failures wake. I am referring to my love affair with theater and acting. I started off in Musical Theater which came quite easily to me. I was lovingly guided from a very young age by my talented mother in the art of singing. I can say with complete honesty that singing is the one talent I possess that I have never doubted, even for a moment. I know that I am gifted, that I have something special and valuable that both feeds me and grounds me. I am incredibly grateful and want nothing more than to share my gift with anyone who will have it. So while it felt easy, the older I got the more it became clear that I couldn't rely on my facial expressions and voice alone, to make it in Musical Theater, I needed to learn to act. So I majored in theater and received a bachelor of arts learning the nuances of the great art of pretending.
When done right, it looks effortless but in reality, acting is arduous! When I see a talented actor on stage or screen, I am blown away as if I were watching a concert pianist who has studied for decades. For some, it comes as naturally as my voice came to me. In my experience, it is a painstaking process that fills me with doubt and anxiety. That doesn't mean I don't love it, there is no where I feel more alive, but it feels unnatural to pursue something that I don't quite feel I have the right to pursue. I think that a lot of it has to do with over thinking, which is my general go to. The hardest part for me is turning off the part of the brain that feeds the doubt, and allowing my brain to connect to the heart of the character. Even when I am achingly similar to a character, I still must swim through the abyss of my own fear, to the inner life of the person I must become. I know in my gut I could have an amazing career if I would only get over myself, but in my 32 years, I have yet to accomplish said feat.
Last weekend, almost absentmindedly, I started searching for auditions in my area. Almost immediately, I found a most amazing opportunity to audition for the distinguished and professional Zach Theater, for a part in the chorus of Evita. I absolutely had to submit myself, and so I updated my resume, crossed my fingers and bit the bullet. I assumed that I wouldn't be called, for a number of reasons not the least of which I don't look anything like an Argentinian. Amazingly, they emailed me back within 24 hours to schedule an audition! Right away I was filled with excitement, and elation over simply getting the chance to be seen. I rode that high long enough to choose the perfect audition song and schedule new head shots. BAM, out of nowhere I found myself once again in that familiar place of dubious hesitation. Where did that confidence go?! If I don't get in, it's not because I am not talented, it's because I wasn't right for the part or any number of other reasons that has nothing to do with me, but all the same it's unforgivably brutal. But what is the point of thinking I won't get the part, when I haven't even been seen? There in lies my greatest hurdle that I have yet to figure out how overcome.
So here I am, equal parts determination and uncertainty. I will go to the audition and I will psyche myself up to a level of confidence that requires a great deal of expert acting. I will sing so well that they will ask me to sing something else just so they can hear my beautiful timbre a little longer. After that, it is up to the fates to decide. My heart tells me that if I don't get the part, I will go back into a hole for another four years but my mind will do it's best to win the battle, if not the war. I am grateful for the support my partner and friends offer, but knowing it's up to me is the hardest part I've ever played.
Prologue:
Moments after posting this, the first thing I did was look up more auditions. Something tells me I am going to be OK.
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