Three weeks ago, I decided to give myself three gifts for my 33rd birthday. One of these gifts was to keep my facebook zone outs to no more than three times a day. (Sensing a theme here? I have always loved the number three...) I began to realize that I was spending more time looking at random crap, and yes, keeping up with friends and family, but mostly zoning out hard and for more time than I felt good about. Restricting my facebok time was a lot harder than I thought it would be! I found myself instinctively clicking on the icon without even thinking about it, so I removed the icon from my home screen. That helped but there were still lots of times throughout the day when I felt the desire to scroll through everyone's recipes, cats, kids and "lives". More than once, I allowed my inability to think of something else to do, to excuse my broken promise, but it became blindingly clear that whatever I was getting from peering into the windows of everyones lives wasn't feeding me what I was seeking. If I really was trying to "keep in touch" as I told myself, a phone call, text, letter or message would be a much better venue for relational growth. In those times that I did follow my rule of three, I found myself doing more of some of my favorite things like reading and crafting and actually conversing personally with my heart family. I saw it as both a gift, and an experiment and I think that it was succesfull in both capasities as it was made abundently clear it was was both benefitial and necceary. I don't think I will try to limit myself to three visits a day, but rather be mindful about how much time I am giving and what I am getting in return on that investiment. I don't know if there will ever come a day when I don't check facebook at all, but I know I can't turn back from the awakenening this gift has provided.
Another gift I gave myself was to refrain from alcohol for the three weeks leading up to my birthday party. The reasons for this break were both physical and emotional. Physically, I knew that I would be less puffy and bloated, which would make for better photos from the birthday party and as I planned on donning a mermaid tail and shell bikini, that made it an easy choice of cost v. benefit! Emotionally speaking, I have had a love hate relationship with booze from day one. I never had any problem with inhibitions, the drama queen that I am, but I have always loved spending time with friends and as an adult, it's often over a beer or three. I have terrible impulse control however, so discovering my limits proved much harder than I ever anticipated. Thankfully, growing older comes with more than just aches and pains but sharper intuition and instincts as well. Understanding and respecting my needs has become much easier in my thirties and for that, I don't have any desire whatsoever to go back in time, relive my glory days or lament on wasted youth. I am equally grateful for all the wonderful experiences I was blessed with my twenties as the mistakes and regret that peppered those treasured memories. For the most part, future Mallory now has the power to tell happy party girl Mallory that limits are there to keep hangover Mallory from cursing all three of us! If I never wake up again thinking "Why did I do that to myself?" I will not miss out on any experiences or lose out on anything I wouldn't otherwise have had the opportunity to do, but rather gain a special brand of self esteem that only restraint can provide.
My "three weeks of sobriety" went swimmingly well. About a week and half in, I realized that I was naturally spending more time creating things, making and crossing of to do lists, and connecting with friends, three of my favorite activities! I don't often "go out drinking" so I didn't thinking that three weeks off would give me a great deal of clarity, but what I came to realize was that even one or two glasses of wine or beer to "wind down" at dinner was a little too effective. Perhaps I was attaining the relaxation I sought, but at the steep cost of losing precious motivation. That was a particularly startling revelation for me as I consider motivation a priceless gift from within and cherish it's presence and role in my life. My booze break turned out to be one of the better gifts I have ever given or received as are most gifts that keep on giving. I can't begin to calculate the time, health or self love that this gift can potentially provide but I am sure it is astronomical. I did drink at the party last night and it was fun and it didn't feel wrong but I was also more acutely aware of my limitations, allowing me to be fully present to enjoy the company of those around me and enjoy feeling tipsy without the desire to take it further. It is nice how "restricting" my facebook time and drinking tied together quite nicely as they both rewarded me with gifts far beyond what either of them provides. They both also provided me with the time and motivation to do more of the kinds of things that feed my heart and give me all kinds of positive reinforcement. I went into the facebook experiment thinking that if I liked the way I felt after three weeks, I'd keep it up and if not, I could go back to mindlessly scrolling, which gave me they security blanket I needed to commit. I am so thankful for listening to my intuition and actually following through. 33 is sure to be a better year for the time and mindfulness that each of these gifts have the potential to provide, in these and countless other applications. What these gifts have provided ultimately is more hope for healthier and happier self than any previous birthday has ever inspired. This is the kind of thing I have always wanted for my birthday and this is the first year I really got it right.
The last gift was much more simple and easier to follow but equally important. It was actually the first of the three gifts to pop into my mind, as I was riding my bicycle exactly three weeks ago, today. I bike almost everywhere I go, to work, to parties, shows, for fun and for exercise. I love it and it feels so right for me, and has definitely made me more fit and healthy. When I first moved to Austin and begin bike commuting, my first Austin friend Victoria pointed out to me that statistically, if I were on my bike as much as I planned to be, I had more chances of being in an accident and therefor needed to wear a helmet. Simple enough, and I agreed so I bought a helmet and wore it without question, Then one day, I felt so safe and comfortable with my skills (and perhaps it was a really good hair day and I didn't want to ruin it) I stopped wearing my trusty helmet just like that, without much thought or concern. About a year went by sans helmet and I thought about it once or twice when I found myself riding in the rain, but never enough to get me back in the habit of wearing it. When out of the blue, I was hit with primal sense of urgency to begin wearing it again. I didn't know why I was so struck, but I did know that I should listen to my clever instincts without question. It's a no brainier, no pun intended, to protect the delicate and wonderful grey matter that makes me, me, and there is literally no drawbacks, save less bouncy hair. I very easily put wearing a helmet back into my personal habits and I must admit it not only makes me feel safer, but wearing it urges me to ride safer as well.
I feel so excited today on the first day of my 33rd year to finally have the kind of self love I have always sought. I got some many good things from my three gifts but realizing that I really do love myself enough to sacrifice what I think I might want, for what I actually need is the best gift of all.
I am thankful for facebook on my birthday, for all the wonderful thoughts that are sent to me from people with whom I have shared experiences, memories, and love. It's impossible to ignore how valued I am, how loved by the sheer number of happy wishes given to me. I was particularly struck this year by how similarly my siblings described me in their posts. My brother described me as his "crazy live live to the fullest amazing sister" and my sister called me "amazing and full of life". Thinking on my two first friends, the people who helped shape me in to the person that I am, who have known the real me since day one describe me as life loving and amazing filled my heart with a deep calming love and made my eyes shine with un-shed tears of joy. I like to consider myself as someone with those qualities, but more often than not, I question it's sincerity, thinking of myself as having a really great act, but a dark heart. It is something I have sadly allowed to become ingrained in me, a self doubt clouding my happiness at the most inconvenient times. I have been aware of it's unhelpful presence for some time now, though and have begun to thoughtfully rewrite my inner dialogue to one that better matches who I really do believe I am, even through the lies and doubts. Hearing that kind of affirmation from those two people who are more important to me than they know is better than any "thing" that I could or have ever received as a birthday gift. It is the cherry on top of what has been the most beautiful and inspiring birthday of my life. I have been looking forward to 33 for a while, knowing on some abstract plane that I would be better today than I was yesterday, I don't always give in to that kind of hope for fear it will let me down but I've held steadfast to this one, feeding it with positive action and focused intent. I would like to give credit to my best friend, partner, and love for always believing that I was the life loving, amazing person who I deeply desired to be, but more importantly for convincing me that I can and should strive for a deeper understanding of myself. By encouraging me to make the kinds of choices that will actually bring about the change that I desire, he has given me more confidence in myself than I thought possible. I would not have taken the kind of time to look into myself, seek and discover the love for who I really am if not for that trust and encouragement. I am so grateful that I get to share my life with my favorite and most trusted companion.
Thank you friend, for reading my heart, sharing in my journey, for caring about me, believing in me and for putting up with some of my more unsavory qualities. I can't wait to take the things I have learned in these 33 years and use it to be an even better Mallory! If you can take anything from my birthday Epiphany, it's that ultimately, all it takes is listening to your heart and making the right choice, even if it is the hard choice, to be a better you. Never give up on yourself, you are worth more than you will ever know.
I am thankful for facebook on my birthday, for all the wonderful thoughts that are sent to me from people with whom I have shared experiences, memories, and love. It's impossible to ignore how valued I am, how loved by the sheer number of happy wishes given to me. I was particularly struck this year by how similarly my siblings described me in their posts. My brother described me as his "crazy live live to the fullest amazing sister" and my sister called me "amazing and full of life". Thinking on my two first friends, the people who helped shape me in to the person that I am, who have known the real me since day one describe me as life loving and amazing filled my heart with a deep calming love and made my eyes shine with un-shed tears of joy. I like to consider myself as someone with those qualities, but more often than not, I question it's sincerity, thinking of myself as having a really great act, but a dark heart. It is something I have sadly allowed to become ingrained in me, a self doubt clouding my happiness at the most inconvenient times. I have been aware of it's unhelpful presence for some time now, though and have begun to thoughtfully rewrite my inner dialogue to one that better matches who I really do believe I am, even through the lies and doubts. Hearing that kind of affirmation from those two people who are more important to me than they know is better than any "thing" that I could or have ever received as a birthday gift. It is the cherry on top of what has been the most beautiful and inspiring birthday of my life. I have been looking forward to 33 for a while, knowing on some abstract plane that I would be better today than I was yesterday, I don't always give in to that kind of hope for fear it will let me down but I've held steadfast to this one, feeding it with positive action and focused intent. I would like to give credit to my best friend, partner, and love for always believing that I was the life loving, amazing person who I deeply desired to be, but more importantly for convincing me that I can and should strive for a deeper understanding of myself. By encouraging me to make the kinds of choices that will actually bring about the change that I desire, he has given me more confidence in myself than I thought possible. I would not have taken the kind of time to look into myself, seek and discover the love for who I really am if not for that trust and encouragement. I am so grateful that I get to share my life with my favorite and most trusted companion.
Thank you friend, for reading my heart, sharing in my journey, for caring about me, believing in me and for putting up with some of my more unsavory qualities. I can't wait to take the things I have learned in these 33 years and use it to be an even better Mallory! If you can take anything from my birthday Epiphany, it's that ultimately, all it takes is listening to your heart and making the right choice, even if it is the hard choice, to be a better you. Never give up on yourself, you are worth more than you will ever know.
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